Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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