RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Houston, we have a squirter
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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