I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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