My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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