She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
