I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Randomize
