It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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