his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
