dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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