Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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