I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
