The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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