Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
