it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
