4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
