in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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