Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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