I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
