Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
