So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
