I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
