remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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