Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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