I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
