just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
