I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
