so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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