yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize