Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
