we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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