if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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