nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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