My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
The uberlube is also flammable
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
wow bdsm is so cute
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
