careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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