My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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