I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
