Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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