Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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