I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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