Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
May the power of my ass compel you!!
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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