I skipped work to stalk him.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
