Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
