I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Floor bacon is actually really good
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
