Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
