Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Who did Billy Mays play for?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
