I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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