Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
