Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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