I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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