were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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