hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
