her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
