A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
