i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
