I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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