are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I looked at my own cervix.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
