I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
