I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
